HarperJean on the latest BDSM and feminism kerfuffle:
"I've been thinking lately that any "examining" relative to sexual desires is better focused on their effects rather than their causes.
We could stipulate, purely for the sake of argument, that someone's desires for dominance and/or submission are the result of bad relationships, bad role models and sexist culture. So what? I don't think feminism is about abstract notion or morality or purity. The relevant question is not where desires come from but where they take you. Do your submissive fantasies and/or experiences leave you feeling good about yourself and your relationships? Do they contribute to safe and satisfying relationships? Do your dominant fantasies and/or experiences lead you to actually denigrate or abuse your partner, or others around you, or have other harmful effects? The Feministing commenter who said it would be better for people's communities if they didn't do BDSM seemed to hint at such an effects-based analysis, but didn't offer anything to support it.
Surely, some people do experience kinky fantasies or play in ways that are harmful to self-esteem, intimacy, personal autonomy or mutual respect. We might say that they're "in it for the wrong reasons," but whatever the reason what's important is that, at least in the ways they're currently doing it, being in it is not good for them or for others.
So, I think it is not helpful and can be hurtful to ask someone to examine and justify where their desires come from. By contrast, at least as a piece of advice, examining how you're going about it and what it is doing for you seems just fine. And in fact that's something how-to writes, presenters and other community figures often do advise.
Of course, either way it could still be used as a bludgeon, because it can still carry the assumption that the examining can only have one result and if you reach a different one you're just wrong."
http://trinityva.livejournal.com/1000547.html
Yes, exactly. I was planning a post along these lines, but she nailed it so well I don't think I have to. Suffice it to say that I've always found "where did this come from?" (which is inevitably the kind of answer feminists are looking for when they ask us to "examine" our desires) to be a singularly unproductive question. A thing's origin has nothing to do with its value, or its morality.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
πολλὰ τὰ δεινὰ κοὐδὲν ἀνθρώπου δεινότερον πέλει.
I will not run away.
If the unexamined life is not worth living, how much more the one without intensity! I've lived a waking sleep, a conscious death, moments cascading before the consciousness without appreciation or purpose. A dull listlessness, the rut of routine, robbing me of the little time I have here.
I will not live that way.
And the way out of that ennui is masochism. The harmonies and dissonances, the pains and the pleasures, the joys and the sorrows: it is the celebration of life, the absolute opposite of the death drive the psychologists have so erroneously imputed to us! What saccharine things are a song full of tonics and fifths, a life spent free from struggle and sorrow! The harmonies and dissonances of pain and pleasure make a sweet symphony for my soul to gorge upon, its intensity screaming with a pressing insistency: I am LIFE, I am wonderful and terrible, and all the better for having the two mixed into one!
I will no longer run away from what gives life its spice and its color, its meaning.
What would one want with heaven, anyway?
If the unexamined life is not worth living, how much more the one without intensity! I've lived a waking sleep, a conscious death, moments cascading before the consciousness without appreciation or purpose. A dull listlessness, the rut of routine, robbing me of the little time I have here.
I will not live that way.
And the way out of that ennui is masochism. The harmonies and dissonances, the pains and the pleasures, the joys and the sorrows: it is the celebration of life, the absolute opposite of the death drive the psychologists have so erroneously imputed to us! What saccharine things are a song full of tonics and fifths, a life spent free from struggle and sorrow! The harmonies and dissonances of pain and pleasure make a sweet symphony for my soul to gorge upon, its intensity screaming with a pressing insistency: I am LIFE, I am wonderful and terrible, and all the better for having the two mixed into one!
I will no longer run away from what gives life its spice and its color, its meaning.
What would one want with heaven, anyway?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Live and learn
Owing to our long distance relationship, my Master and I have an open relationship; we can date other people. One of the people I was considering dating was a good fit for me in many ways, but there was a deal breaker. See, I like doing nice things for friends; I like using my car to drive them places, I like kicking in a bit more than my share of the booze money. I can take charge when it's necessary, but I'm more comfortable following another's lead. for her, all of these things were a sign of weakness, and every encounter was an adversarial one to get the better of the other. Not only did this make interpersonal relations with her troublesome, but it attacked my very sense of identity. I mean, all of these things that I had been taught from birth that made me a good person- my willingness to share, my lack of pushiness, my (at least self percieved) tendency to desire the good of others, sometimes at the expense of my own was to her a sign of weakness. I was pretty emotionally wrecked for awhile trying to win her approval before I realized I should just be comfortable with who I am.
So it will be quite a relief to return to my relationship with my Master, where such traits are celebrated and not denigrated. A space where I can be myself without it being because I'm too weak, but because we have mutually complementary roles that are equal in diginity. A space, in short, where acting what comes most naturally to me is understood as an examined choice and not a sign of weakness, that I would surely act differently if I had the power to be more assertive or assholish.
So it will be quite a relief to return to my relationship with my Master, where such traits are celebrated and not denigrated. A space where I can be myself without it being because I'm too weak, but because we have mutually complementary roles that are equal in diginity. A space, in short, where acting what comes most naturally to me is understood as an examined choice and not a sign of weakness, that I would surely act differently if I had the power to be more assertive or assholish.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
John Donne rocks my socks
"BATTER my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knock, breath, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me,'and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt town, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy:
Divorce me,'untie, or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you'enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me."
Challenge: write a paper on this without referencing my masochism =)
As yet but knock, breath, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me,'and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt town, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy:
Divorce me,'untie, or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you'enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me."
Challenge: write a paper on this without referencing my masochism =)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The stressed businessman
It's a trope I'm sure we're all familiar with: the high powered CEO of a Fortune 500 company is sick of being in charge all the time, so he pays a woman to beat up on him and take the burden of control away from him for a few hours.
I always thought this particular reason didn't apply to me. After all, I don't work at a high stress job; I'm a student, not a CEO. The fate of hundreds don't rest upon my decisions. I don't have stockholders to be responsible to. Though my life does involve some stress, it's no less than what most people have to deal with. And though I can take a leadership position if no one else is competent or willing to do it, I find myself more often following orders than giving them wherever such things are necessary.
And yet, the trope may be hitting at something deeper. A few weeks ago I read an article, now unfortunately lost to the mists of my continually clearing internet history, that claimed that masochism was a result of the modern burden of selfhood, a way to release the stress of keeping up a constant persona. Objectification, being treated poorly, and the trance states evoked by pain are all means to this end. This dovetailed a bit into a recent post over at Trin's:
"To make a man suffer -- to make him feel, to force his walls down and reduce him to quivering sensation, whether pleasure or pain, is an achievement, and more intensely pleasant for being so."
I had never linked this particular part of my personality with masculinity, but what she says about most men certainly applies to me. I'm a reserved kind of guy. I use my emotions; I don't let my emotions use me. For me, they have to be constantly monitored to ensure that I don't hurt myself or others when I give them license to escape my head and affect the outside world. I suppose some would call me repressed, but I think self-control is one of the cardinal virtues, and I think that my tight control of my emotions makes me a better person. Nonetheless, to maintain such control all the time is difficult, perhaps not healthy, and makes it all the more fun and exhilarating when I do finally let go.
And when I finally do let go is very often in a BDSM space. It's there that my dom can force me out of my habitual stoicism and make me feel. It's there that, bound, gagged, and beaten, my emotions can be given voice impotently. I can let them loose and not worry about hurting anyone else or myself, because in that situation I'm powerless.
I always thought this particular reason didn't apply to me. After all, I don't work at a high stress job; I'm a student, not a CEO. The fate of hundreds don't rest upon my decisions. I don't have stockholders to be responsible to. Though my life does involve some stress, it's no less than what most people have to deal with. And though I can take a leadership position if no one else is competent or willing to do it, I find myself more often following orders than giving them wherever such things are necessary.
And yet, the trope may be hitting at something deeper. A few weeks ago I read an article, now unfortunately lost to the mists of my continually clearing internet history, that claimed that masochism was a result of the modern burden of selfhood, a way to release the stress of keeping up a constant persona. Objectification, being treated poorly, and the trance states evoked by pain are all means to this end. This dovetailed a bit into a recent post over at Trin's:
"To make a man suffer -- to make him feel, to force his walls down and reduce him to quivering sensation, whether pleasure or pain, is an achievement, and more intensely pleasant for being so."
I had never linked this particular part of my personality with masculinity, but what she says about most men certainly applies to me. I'm a reserved kind of guy. I use my emotions; I don't let my emotions use me. For me, they have to be constantly monitored to ensure that I don't hurt myself or others when I give them license to escape my head and affect the outside world. I suppose some would call me repressed, but I think self-control is one of the cardinal virtues, and I think that my tight control of my emotions makes me a better person. Nonetheless, to maintain such control all the time is difficult, perhaps not healthy, and makes it all the more fun and exhilarating when I do finally let go.
And when I finally do let go is very often in a BDSM space. It's there that my dom can force me out of my habitual stoicism and make me feel. It's there that, bound, gagged, and beaten, my emotions can be given voice impotently. I can let them loose and not worry about hurting anyone else or myself, because in that situation I'm powerless.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Super Bowl Commercial
We fade in on a twenty-something somewhat attractive white girl. She's sitting on a stool slightly off-center with a stark white background. Subsequent actors are the standard rainbow array of politically correct races and ages.
"...you spend your whole life being told that you're sick, that you're a deviant, so the first time I met someone that didn't treat me that way, but promised to explore it with me, well, that was a revelation."
Towards the end of her statement she begins to fade away on camera, with our next actor's face superimposed over her until he is all that remains.
"...friends found my porn stash when I was fifteen. Needless to say, my social life wasn't a whole lot of fun till I could escape to college..."
next actor, this one is a bit older than the others
"My employer found out about a meeting I was attending, and fired me for it. Said it was 'bad for workplace morale.' How am I supposed to make my mortgage?"
next actor, again a bit older
"I had always been a good parent. Why did CPS feel the need to remove my child from its loving home just because of what we did in the bedroom?
next actor, this one the youngest of them all
"It's something that's so integral to your identity, but how are you supposed to tell the people you care about about it, like your parents? I mean, they would already pitch a fit if I was gay: no way they're ready to hear that I like pain and am most fulfilled in a subservient role!"
Fade to black, with the following words superimposed in the center of the screen in white
"24% of lypiphiles have lost their jobs because of intolerance. 3%, their children."
these words fade, and new ones replace them.
"Let's fix that."
new words
"www.lypiphilia.org"
"...you spend your whole life being told that you're sick, that you're a deviant, so the first time I met someone that didn't treat me that way, but promised to explore it with me, well, that was a revelation."
Towards the end of her statement she begins to fade away on camera, with our next actor's face superimposed over her until he is all that remains.
"...friends found my porn stash when I was fifteen. Needless to say, my social life wasn't a whole lot of fun till I could escape to college..."
next actor, this one is a bit older than the others
"My employer found out about a meeting I was attending, and fired me for it. Said it was 'bad for workplace morale.' How am I supposed to make my mortgage?"
next actor, again a bit older
"I had always been a good parent. Why did CPS feel the need to remove my child from its loving home just because of what we did in the bedroom?
next actor, this one the youngest of them all
"It's something that's so integral to your identity, but how are you supposed to tell the people you care about about it, like your parents? I mean, they would already pitch a fit if I was gay: no way they're ready to hear that I like pain and am most fulfilled in a subservient role!"
Fade to black, with the following words superimposed in the center of the screen in white
"24% of lypiphiles have lost their jobs because of intolerance. 3%, their children."
these words fade, and new ones replace them.
"Let's fix that."
new words
"www.lypiphilia.org"
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Blast from the past
Apparently, my talent for verboseness when talking about BDSM is not a new development for me. Witness this ancient post on a sexuality message board asking for advice right before my first meeting of Socrates.
So, the situation. I've known that I was a submissive since I started having desires about sex, around 13. I've fantasized about this kind of sex for years, but given the glut of submissives and dearth of dominants, I was worried that I'd never get a chance to act like I truly am. So I register for an S&M personals site, despite only being 17 (18 to register). I didn't fill out any profile information, since I only wanted access to the forums and get the lay of the land for when I go off to college and can attain sexual freedom. So, despite the empty profile, I get several messages from a guy very interested in me- I was unable to navigate the message system before, and when I finally did check, he had sent me 4 in the last month, despite my lack of responding. He's 39, and now we're talking about meeting somewhere in real life.
I am slightly worried about STDs. He claims that he's clean, but I don't intend to take him at his word. I'm going to use condoms, but there's always the chance that you're the 1-in-1000 chance where the condom doesn't work. He's admitted to being polyamorous, so he won't be exclusive, so that increases the danger somewhat. Still, I fail to see how polyamory is much more dangerous than the serial monogamy practiced by most people. And if I were truly worried about STDs, I would remain celibate all my life- it's not like marriage causes a magical viel against STDs or anything.
I'm not worried about the age difference. I'm at the age of consent for my state, so we're not doing anything illegal, and I don't feel coerced in the slightest. It's honestly a nonissue for me- I suppose I'd prefer it if he were younger, since it would cause less of a stir if we were caught, but other than that I don't mind.
I should be thrilled- I've thought about this for 4 years, feared it would never come to pass, yet now it is upon me. It helps that, if his pictures are legit anyway, he's someone far hotter than I would think woluld have sex with me; he definitely doesn't look his age. And yet, now here at the cusp, I hesistate. I'm a virgin, and despite my somewhat advanced age, am not at all sure I'm ready for vanilla sex- much less something more dangerous and more intimate. I suppose I am simply playing the part of the blushing maiden on the wedding night- afraid and excited by turns. On the other hand, I'm worried that I'm letting a golden opportunity pass me by if I give this up. As I said, he's really hot, he doesn't mind that my going off to college in a year precludes a long term relationship, he doesn't mind my age, and the previously mentioned lack of dominants and glut of submissives is there as well. It gives me an opportunity to carry this out a full year before I had expected I'd be able to. It allows me to gain a measure of independence from my parents. Perhaps most importantly of all, it could be a vehicle for self-discovery: I want to figure out why I'm submissive, and gain new insights into my personality. The only way I can clarify how I feel about that issue is experimenting.
Undoubtedly most of the responses will center around how inappropriate the age difference is, and maybe that's something I need to hear. Lord knows this would be an incredibly lurid tale if the press ever got its hands on it- S&M! Internet "predators"! Homosexuality! Adult-teen sex! If this couldn't get Foley off the front page, nothing else could. Nevertheless, I could use counsel about the other issues confronting me- STDs, fear that I'm not ready for sex, ect.
So, the situation. I've known that I was a submissive since I started having desires about sex, around 13. I've fantasized about this kind of sex for years, but given the glut of submissives and dearth of dominants, I was worried that I'd never get a chance to act like I truly am. So I register for an S&M personals site, despite only being 17 (18 to register). I didn't fill out any profile information, since I only wanted access to the forums and get the lay of the land for when I go off to college and can attain sexual freedom. So, despite the empty profile, I get several messages from a guy very interested in me- I was unable to navigate the message system before, and when I finally did check, he had sent me 4 in the last month, despite my lack of responding. He's 39, and now we're talking about meeting somewhere in real life.
I am slightly worried about STDs. He claims that he's clean, but I don't intend to take him at his word. I'm going to use condoms, but there's always the chance that you're the 1-in-1000 chance where the condom doesn't work. He's admitted to being polyamorous, so he won't be exclusive, so that increases the danger somewhat. Still, I fail to see how polyamory is much more dangerous than the serial monogamy practiced by most people. And if I were truly worried about STDs, I would remain celibate all my life- it's not like marriage causes a magical viel against STDs or anything.
I'm not worried about the age difference. I'm at the age of consent for my state, so we're not doing anything illegal, and I don't feel coerced in the slightest. It's honestly a nonissue for me- I suppose I'd prefer it if he were younger, since it would cause less of a stir if we were caught, but other than that I don't mind.
I should be thrilled- I've thought about this for 4 years, feared it would never come to pass, yet now it is upon me. It helps that, if his pictures are legit anyway, he's someone far hotter than I would think woluld have sex with me; he definitely doesn't look his age. And yet, now here at the cusp, I hesistate. I'm a virgin, and despite my somewhat advanced age, am not at all sure I'm ready for vanilla sex- much less something more dangerous and more intimate. I suppose I am simply playing the part of the blushing maiden on the wedding night- afraid and excited by turns. On the other hand, I'm worried that I'm letting a golden opportunity pass me by if I give this up. As I said, he's really hot, he doesn't mind that my going off to college in a year precludes a long term relationship, he doesn't mind my age, and the previously mentioned lack of dominants and glut of submissives is there as well. It gives me an opportunity to carry this out a full year before I had expected I'd be able to. It allows me to gain a measure of independence from my parents. Perhaps most importantly of all, it could be a vehicle for self-discovery: I want to figure out why I'm submissive, and gain new insights into my personality. The only way I can clarify how I feel about that issue is experimenting.
Undoubtedly most of the responses will center around how inappropriate the age difference is, and maybe that's something I need to hear. Lord knows this would be an incredibly lurid tale if the press ever got its hands on it- S&M! Internet "predators"! Homosexuality! Adult-teen sex! If this couldn't get Foley off the front page, nothing else could. Nevertheless, I could use counsel about the other issues confronting me- STDs, fear that I'm not ready for sex, ect.
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