It's a trope I'm sure we're all familiar with: the high powered CEO of a Fortune 500 company is sick of being in charge all the time, so he pays a woman to beat up on him and take the burden of control away from him for a few hours.
I always thought this particular reason didn't apply to me. After all, I don't work at a high stress job; I'm a student, not a CEO. The fate of hundreds don't rest upon my decisions. I don't have stockholders to be responsible to. Though my life does involve some stress, it's no less than what most people have to deal with. And though I can take a leadership position if no one else is competent or willing to do it, I find myself more often following orders than giving them wherever such things are necessary.
And yet, the trope may be hitting at something deeper. A few weeks ago I read an article, now unfortunately lost to the mists of my continually clearing internet history, that claimed that masochism was a result of the modern burden of selfhood, a way to release the stress of keeping up a constant persona. Objectification, being treated poorly, and the trance states evoked by pain are all means to this end. This dovetailed a bit into a recent post over at Trin's:
"To make a man suffer -- to make him feel, to force his walls down and reduce him to quivering sensation, whether pleasure or pain, is an achievement, and more intensely pleasant for being so."
I had never linked this particular part of my personality with masculinity, but what she says about most men certainly applies to me. I'm a reserved kind of guy. I use my emotions; I don't let my emotions use me. For me, they have to be constantly monitored to ensure that I don't hurt myself or others when I give them license to escape my head and affect the outside world. I suppose some would call me repressed, but I think self-control is one of the cardinal virtues, and I think that my tight control of my emotions makes me a better person. Nonetheless, to maintain such control all the time is difficult, perhaps not healthy, and makes it all the more fun and exhilarating when I do finally let go.
And when I finally do let go is very often in a BDSM space. It's there that my dom can force me out of my habitual stoicism and make me feel. It's there that, bound, gagged, and beaten, my emotions can be given voice impotently. I can let them loose and not worry about hurting anyone else or myself, because in that situation I'm powerless.
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1 comment:
I am glad that you value emotional control. It is an important virtue, as I realized all the more when encountering a good example of someone who lacks it entirely (a scene you witnessed, I'm guessing).
Do you allow your emotions to 'come out' outside of BDSM spaces, too? For example, in creative bursts with musical instruments and such? I am a stoic person as well, and I find that crying and talking to others are healthy expressions of emotions.
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