Blast from the past

Apparently, my talent for verboseness when talking about BDSM is not a new development for me. Witness this ancient post on a sexuality message board asking for advice right before my first meeting of Socrates.

So, the situation. I've known that I was a submissive since I started having desires about sex, around 13. I've fantasized about this kind of sex for years, but given the glut of submissives and dearth of dominants, I was worried that I'd never get a chance to act like I truly am. So I register for an S&M personals site, despite only being 17 (18 to register). I didn't fill out any profile information, since I only wanted access to the forums and get the lay of the land for when I go off to college and can attain sexual freedom. So, despite the empty profile, I get several messages from a guy very interested in me- I was unable to navigate the message system before, and when I finally did check, he had sent me 4 in the last month, despite my lack of responding. He's 39, and now we're talking about meeting somewhere in real life.

I am slightly worried about STDs. He claims that he's clean, but I don't intend to take him at his word. I'm going to use condoms, but there's always the chance that you're the 1-in-1000 chance where the condom doesn't work. He's admitted to being polyamorous, so he won't be exclusive, so that increases the danger somewhat. Still, I fail to see how polyamory is much more dangerous than the serial monogamy practiced by most people. And if I were truly worried about STDs, I would remain celibate all my life- it's not like marriage causes a magical viel against STDs or anything.

I'm not worried about the age difference. I'm at the age of consent for my state, so we're not doing anything illegal, and I don't feel coerced in the slightest. It's honestly a nonissue for me- I suppose I'd prefer it if he were younger, since it would cause less of a stir if we were caught, but other than that I don't mind.

I should be thrilled- I've thought about this for 4 years, feared it would never come to pass, yet now it is upon me. It helps that, if his pictures are legit anyway, he's someone far hotter than I would think woluld have sex with me; he definitely doesn't look his age. And yet, now here at the cusp, I hesistate. I'm a virgin, and despite my somewhat advanced age, am not at all sure I'm ready for vanilla sex- much less something more dangerous and more intimate. I suppose I am simply playing the part of the blushing maiden on the wedding night- afraid and excited by turns. On the other hand, I'm worried that I'm letting a golden opportunity pass me by if I give this up. As I said, he's really hot, he doesn't mind that my going off to college in a year precludes a long term relationship, he doesn't mind my age, and the previously mentioned lack of dominants and glut of submissives is there as well. It gives me an opportunity to carry this out a full year before I had expected I'd be able to. It allows me to gain a measure of independence from my parents. Perhaps most importantly of all, it could be a vehicle for self-discovery: I want to figure out why I'm submissive, and gain new insights into my personality. The only way I can clarify how I feel about that issue is experimenting.

Undoubtedly most of the responses will center around how inappropriate the age difference is, and maybe that's something I need to hear. Lord knows this would be an incredibly lurid tale if the press ever got its hands on it- S&M! Internet "predators"! Homosexuality! Adult-teen sex! If this couldn't get Foley off the front page, nothing else could. Nevertheless, I could use counsel about the other issues confronting me- STDs, fear that I'm not ready for sex, ect.