Burn the Switch!

Socrates proposed an interesting scene the other day- he and I tied up together, the key to whatever is locking us in place being frozen in ice, slowly melting away. If that seems a little odd for a dominant to suggest, well, I can just say that having a former submissive as a Master does have its perks. But while with anyone else, the scene could be hot, I just couldn't imagine it being so with Socrates. I'm too used to seeing him in the dominant position; seeing him tied up would just feel odd.

Then again, it may just be that particular scene, because his next suggestion seemed rather intriguing. I recall reading in one of the Kushiel books- recommended to me by a somewhat kinky friend as "BDSM meets political intrigue" (two of my favorite things!) about a holiday in which everyone switches places for a day- a lowly servant becomes lord of the manor, and the lord is reduced to scrubbing chamber pots. While both he and I are certain that we've heard of some real-life holiday in some culture that corresponds to this, we haven't been able to find it, but that's not stopping us from adopting the custom as our own. Truth be told, I've thought about reversing the tables once or twice, and I'm particularly interested in how pain feels when I'm the one delivering it. But while being in the dominant role can be somewhat hot for me, invariably whenever I imagine it, my mind starts to drift to being the submissive partner in the scene, and it becomes even hotter. The only exception is pain -which, as I've discovered, I've little tolerance for, and derive little pleasure from, though in the proper doses it can be suitably erotic. But I couldn't get the thought out of whipping someone out of my mind last night- which could make me a submissive sadist, as odd as that sounds.

The other wrinkle in these plans is that, honestly, I don't find submissive men attractive. Just don't. Blame patriarchy, blame the fact that all the porn I was watching in the early years of my sexuality had submissive women, but whatever the reason, I find a tied up woman far more attractive than a tied up man. Truth be told, before I got over some of my gender identity issues and self-esteem problems - which was in great measure aided by Socrates - I always imagined myself as a submissive woman; that went away once I got a more positive body image and could concieve of myself as someone who could be desired sexually. And that's not getting over the fact that, again, seeing Socrates tied up and kneeling at my feet just seems wierd, maybe even wrong.

And, of course, there are some wierd identity issues at play. I recall Socrates trying to comfort me when I bemusedly remarked that everyone I told about my sexuality assumed I was a submissive (even my mother!), but truth be told, that wasn't distressing in the slightest. I've long since incorprated that part of my sexuality into my overall identity, and made them into positive traits- and how could I not? I was raised on the Jesus who washed his disciples' feet, the civil rights activists who were blown away by fire hoses without lifting a finger in violence. Turn the other cheek, the last shall be first and the first shall be last. The nobility of service, the strength of yielding, the courage of surrender; all balms to my teenage self in search of identity. All of which isn't to denigrate the caring guidance of Socrates' conception of dominance, but it's never been something that I identified with; truth be told, my own conception of myself taking dominance is of the overbearing and cruel. That's something I hope to change.

All of these things are probably not going to prevent me from experimenting, because, beyond anything else, I'm really curious how it feels to wield a whip. And perhaps, on some level, it could be cathartic.