The most confusing night of my life

This is an excerpt from my journal after my third day with Socrates:

He pushed me just a little farther than I was willing to go. Odd that it was from something almost completely vanilla in nature; but he fucked me harder- well, a lot harder- than I was capable of handling. I don't doubt that his intentions were benign; he merely thought I could take it. In retrospect, I should have done a better job of communicating my discomfort- maybe invoked my safeword. He's no mind-reader; mistakes are going to be made; both of us will miscommunicate and push not enough or too hard. Then again, I hear here "It's partially my fault," and, "these sorts of things happen in an S&M relationship" - the calling cards of an abused sub. Then again, to his credit, as soon as I made it known that I was in rough shape and that things had strayed into the unenjoyable for me, he stopped, without me using my safeword- he didn't even come tonight.

Then, later that night, as I was tossing and turning in bed, it hit me, and I felt fairly guilty. In my reticence to do so, I had deprived him of his property- and what right had I to do so? It was his, not mine, and a revolt against all that was....natural? that he had not got to come that night.

That I had no right to my own body.

Needless to say, this scared the shit of me. I'm coming perilously close to enjoying the sort of abuse- unintentional as it may have been- last night, at losing my ability to say no, and becoming less and less likely that I will communicate my state to him, feeling that he ought to take whatever he can.

But it feels so good. At the same time, I'm in a pretty dark place right now.

I'm only fortunate that I have a partner who I can trust here, and I know that he will never harm me in that way willingly.